A girl stayed in the space for 1/2 an hour playing with the objects once the performance had finished. She wrote "i am strength" beneath my text.
Saturday 5 November 2011
Friday 4 November 2011
(threading. tiny acts of repair)
ink drip
disintegration
changeability. trace
Transgre
ssion.
Stain. Permanence. Proof. Evidence.
What’s the difference between a mark and a trace?
Permanent/explicit action v's an ephemerality, a possibility of… implicit action
Is trace the process of loosing a mark???
Love the notion of dialogue between people/words/spaces or things – a series of simple exchanges offering/insight new knowledge/understanding.
Began reading MOB’s conversation with Ron Athey – felt a little strange (remembering RA seeing a piece at the gallery at Warwick uni….) not sure how my practice would ever ‘fit’ into this world….of blood letting/ I am not marked. Not enduring a physical condition/illness yet still feel a connection or a need to display/mark/reveal my female flesh – possibly some kind of questioning relating to validity??? Belonging. The histories/traces housed within me. Can I make valid body work - interior marks?? Yet still related to the idea of performance - making ‘something’ visible through and because of the body.
Interested in how this related to the notion of autobiography – to also be about something not just navel gazing….MOB aiming at “an intersubjective" experience between himself (the performing body) and the spectators”
I have to consider (re) the context of being a female performer using her body explicitly, needs to make sense. Vulnerability/exposure/sensuality…
MOB – engaged with the endurance survival element to the work – not just in relation to the explicit sickness – watching his sick body surviving well…..(loved this phase).
MOB's use of materials – instant draw and connection to the work….watching the “juice of his wound” (RA) the physical coughing up /issues relating to decency, social acceptability – being taken and rubbed as a material substance onto his chest then rubbing in glitter - the materials/bodily secretions becoming a real and ready living reminder of the action – marking the impact of the act. How does the particularity of the material affect the viewer’s ability to connect to and remember the action? intimacy?? (do you need a one on one to experience it???)
Interested in the use and context of the glitter (how does this related to the choices I made ??) clear contextual reference to other performance artists (DJ/mob/dh) the interplay with gay/queer drag parifinalier – the divide between the jam jars of mucus and the ‘sparkling’ pretty boy seen. The artifice of the act and the desire to offer a step away from the current situation – substance used as deviance – playful/joy. Does MOB do this or does his use of the glitter material substance to just imbed himself further into his "own grimness"? Does this is any way relate to my ideas surround the use of glitter in performance as some kind of “ perfect stain”? The false/sweet artifice being skin surface texture? what the fuck is on the inside
Mark – inside and outside of the performance/self
Trace
Material
Stain - - - - - - - - - - - permanence
Disintegration - - - - - Loss – because of /through endurance
Moment - - - - - - - - - -the presence/the live act
Risk - - - - - - - - - because of/being in or out of control
Intimacy - - - - - - vulnerability
Distance - - - - - - - the gap
Memory
Tapies Quote – ‘ what do you mean by those stains?’
(Taken from an exhibition catalogue in 1970’s and became the first question which reignited an interest in making)
The interest in this notion of a stain…a perfect stain? Stain in itself an emotive word – suggesting something, which is wrong/undesired and permanent (perhaps there’s something in this unease with the notion of permanence…also the cycle we have of trying to retain a sense of permanence – how does this relate to values?)
A stain as a post performance moment/the recapturing of a live act…memory stain???
Blot. Blog.
These thoughts relating to permanence and capturing something of the experience – how does this bring us any closer to defining something which may be intimate?
Lost bodies/lost
spaces inside/out.
The gaps in knowledge and performance??
The continual questioning of why do I do what I do? What is the need, the drive? Keep coming back to the need for the dialogue and interrelation between the live event/the experience/the state of present - ness and the processes of forgetting
(the fragility of performance and the fear of a digital presence)
A feeling of parallels ....from the live event to the writing to the (in) visibility of the performance moment to the lack of a present – self/other –between doing and witnessing - like a 5th being played on an out of tune piano… no resolve…
The gap between the experience and the documentation is still too large (or not large enough??) the process of presenting these images supporting the knowledge that the event actually happened. Proof. Part of the process of understanding and gathering knowledge….still not able to fully respond or reflect on the post performance documentation….. Can begin to feel ways the practice bleeds into research (the face of the other) ( my face very visible in the photos)
How does the need to mark/to trace relate to not seeing the ‘whole self? (The impossibility of this…..) And likewise how does this connect to the experience of the viewer (dialogue. I can hear the 5th again…….
Love the notion of objects having a memory (or materials a material memory??objects having a flesh memory??) Objects providing aid…. the way in which objects contain a history, a knowledge or a mind unto themselves.
Why chose the objects I chose? The history/properties/materiality?? What is the effect of my control on the objects/material/space??
Thinking about DJ piece ‘Transmission – material usage – desert dust/glitter (charcoal – disintegration physical affect on viewer’s/participants) what is the impact on those involved? The process of making in performance – inhaling the dust (DJ action of blowing dust into the aud (they/I/we were very much ‘viewing’ – he appearing on stage – we had to look up – framed and presenting actions. We inhaled the red desert dust. No accident it could have been blood?? Infections. Spreading something. Himself? Or the fear involved in the spreading of something involuntarily taking something within) I’ll come back to the glitter later…… (remembering Martin O Brian…..Now. jump jump jump. Shadows and drumming mucus).
This idea of physically in taking the object/material (what is the difference between the object/material? Does the object become material in the process of exchange/making?
What is the transition (s) of the object)
Disintegration… somehow this word strikes me as important in the making of my work. It is active. Implies change but a specific kind of change. Slow? Inevitable? Loss? Relate to why the use of charcoal is important – (coughing in performance…is it still sitting inside my chest? Inside others?)
The history of the charcoal/was another material. I changed – or rather I made the decision to change it from wood. (It watched me eat/sleep/fuck in my lounge)
It broke. Became dust. Is always un fixed.
Relation between disintegration and being un fixed.
(whilst) Remembering my body is still marked from it.
Investment within an object….. Somehow the manifestation of change or an alteration of an object during or because of an act (performance action) = how does this affect the participant / viewer (this is different – possibly depending on the proximity of the act) what is the evidence or remains from the object – back to traces in spaces…..
Empathy and affect. The affect of these processes and material choices on other – do they provoke empathy? – note to self..re read t brennan and her theories on affect….
In the watching do we associate a memory to the act because of or through the use of a material or object? Memory association? If we feel intimate does it have anything to do with the object… is that a crap question?
Considering the effect of the autobiographical…… importance. How it emerges within and through the work. Not a starting point? Tension…..
Complexity and incompletion…
How important are they to my process?
Unlearning
Unfixed. Again. Keeps coming back. (Remembering the liveartliveblog – the way in which J Beuyes ‘ideas’ Chalk board became fixed. A decision was made that it should be Kept. Fixed/ Held on to. An ever-attempted constant. In that action of fixed-ness did the activeness of meaning stop???
(intimacy negotiated through and or because of something (materials/trace/disintegration/alteration… it is a massive thing in my performance/ engagement/gaze/experience and awareness…)
In the meantime…
I presented a work in progress piece for Experimentica 1.1 at Chapter Arts center in Cardiff. - 2 performances were presented on 16th October one at 2pm one at 5pm. Gathered performance documentation in videos/photos/residues.
When did the process start?
The drive there?
The preparation of the space?
The beginning of the idea?
Keep going back to and considering the text within the performance……halfway between meanings…… thinking about the difference in the 2 presentations – participation levels between the 2 very different….. the way I felt in the repetition….
Should I be allowed to be here?? Question spoken by Hugo Glenidining in conversation with AH (12/2/10). Seems valid – I asked that too. Both times.
Is it (was it) too embedded – too self referential or not explicitly self referential enough? Too closed. What is the connection between the body other and the body self? What the fuck does it mean? Is the presence of the confession/stories/anecdotes valid? How do the alter/engage with my presence?
Tiny acts of repair. Seems an important phrase. Nestled between creation and destruction. Building. Ongoing. Ever constant. This seems somehow related to permanence (the fear of permanence?)
Gaps. Discovering them seems important. More so as the process evolves. Do they appear in the disintegrationof a moment? In the spaces between the words.
A clear face. To see. Empathy. Witnessing.
Remembering a story from Mik (or was it mike) a giant of a man who worked at wakestock – broken, in prison, violent, respectful. I felt the dislodged bone in his head and saw the way that when you pushed it another part of his skull moved. He had around 104 tattoos but would only ever keep one section of his face clear as it was the only part of his body, which was unmarked. Seems an important story. Don’t know why yet.
Gaze/I am bind/concealment/lack of readability.
Making a texture. “What would this place be like if all the people who had left stayed?”
To care.
Stillness
The risk of control
The sensitivity
Second time around – realizing a feeling of guilt returning into the space of the piece. Infecting it somehow. Mistrusting the objects. Loosing first intension. Mark me mark you. See me see you again and again. Aging. Where do I start and you begin? The space between you and me.
When discussing the piece with Phil – beauty/reverence/sound – too much so?? The text. Suggestions of meaning. Sitting between meanings. Gaps again. How does the text operate within the piece?
I am bind
Tiny acts of repair.
Hands crossed she waits. My body half inch from the floor. I dug myself
Her eyes are open. She can always see pieces of herself around the edges.
Discussing the piece with Kay – consideration of control and being female/male gaze – not something I’m overtly interested in but should be considered…going from nude to naked (image Andy took of me changing the stairwell. Naked. Bare. Stripped. Not naked in the piece…….?) Gaze. Reminded me of carolee scheman. Again!
To create a texture.
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