Tapies Quote – ‘ what do you mean by those stains?’

(Taken from an exhibition catalogue in 1970’s and became the first question which reignited an interest in making)

The interest in this notion of a stain…a perfect stain? Stain in itself an emotive word – suggesting something, which is wrong/undesired and permanent (perhaps there’s something in this unease with the notion of permanence…also the cycle we have of trying to retain a sense of permanence – how does this relate to values?)

A stain as a post performance moment/the recapturing of a live act…memory stain???

Blot. Blog.

These thoughts relating to permanence and capturing something of the experience – how does this bring us any closer to defining something which may be intimate?

Lost bodies/lost

spaces inside/out.

The gaps in knowledge and performance??

The continual questioning of why do I do what I do? What is the need, the drive? Keep coming back to the need for the dialogue and interrelation between the live event/the experience/the state of present - ness and the processes of forgetting

(the fragility of performance and the fear of a digital presence)

A feeling of parallels ....from the live event to the writing to the (in) visibility of the performance moment to the lack of a present – self/other –between doing and witnessing - like a 5^th being played on an out of tune piano… no resolve…

The gap between the experience and the documentation is still too large (or not large enough??) the process of presenting these images supporting the knowledge that the event actually happened. Proof. Part of the process of understanding and gathering knowledge….still not able to fully respond or reflect on the post performance documentation….. Can begin to feel ways the practice bleeds into research (the face of the other) ( my face very visible in the photos)

How does the need to mark/to trace relate to not seeing the ‘whole self? (The impossibility of this…..) And likewise how does this connect to the experience of the viewer (dialogue. I can hear the 5^th again……. a hummmm a dissonance endless tiny motions of exchange. Always. Ongoing.

Love the notion of objects having a memory (or materials a material memory??objects having a flesh memory??) Objects providing aid…. the way in which objects contain a history, a knowledge or a mind unto themselves.

Why chose the objects I chose? The history/properties/materiality?? What is the effect of my control on the objects/material/space??

Thinking about DJ piece ‘Transmission – material usage – desert dust/glitter (charcoal – disintegration physical affect on viewer’s/participants) what is the impact on those involved? The process of making in performance – inhaling the dust (DJ action of blowing dust into the aud (they/I/we were very much ‘viewing’ – he appearing on stage – we had to look up – framed and presenting actions. We inhaled the red desert dust. No accident it could have been blood?? Infections. Spreading something. Himself? Or the fear involved in the spreading of something involuntarily taking something within) I’ll come back to the glitter later…… (remembering Martin O Brian…..Now. jump jump jump. Shadows and drumming mucus).

This idea of physically in taking the object/material (what is the difference between the object/material? Does the object become material in the process of exchange/making?

What is the transition (s) of the object)

Disintegration… somehow this word strikes me as important in the making of my work. It is active. Implies change but a specific kind of change. Slow? Inevitable? Loss? Relate to why the use of charcoal is important – (coughing in performance…is it still sitting inside my chest? Inside others?)

The history of the charcoal/was another material. I changed – or rather I made the decision to change it from wood. (It watched me eat/sleep/fuck in my lounge)

It broke. Became dust. Is always un fixed.

Relation between disintegration and being un fixed.

(whilst) Remembering my body is still marked from it.

Investment within an object….. Somehow the manifestation of change or an alteration of an object during or because of an act (performance action) = how does this affect the participant / viewer (this is different – possibly depending on the proximity of the act) what is the evidence or remains from the object – back to traces in spaces…..

Empathy and affect. The affect of these processes and material choices on other – do they provoke empathy? – note to self..re read t brennan and her theories on affect….

In the watching do we associate a memory to the act because of or through the use of a material or object? Memory association? If we feel intimate does it have anything to do with the object… is that a crap question?

Considering the effect of the autobiographical…… importance. How it emerges within and through the work. Not a starting point? Tension…..

Complexity and incompletion…

How important are they to my process?

Unlearning

Unfixed. Again. Keeps coming back. (Remembering the liveartliveblog – the way in which J Beuyes ‘ideas’ Chalk board became fixed. A decision was made that it should be Kept. Fixed/ Held on to. An ever-attempted constant. In that action of fixed-ness did the activeness of meaning stop???

(intimacy negotiated through and or because of something (materials/trace/disintegration/alteration… it is a massive thing in my performance/ engagement/gaze/experience and awareness…)